Dear the American People,
Looking back on life I realize I made some crucial errors.
For one, I should never have grabbed those women by their pussies. Why couldn't I have just grabbed their ass like a normal man? At least leave it at their tits. But no, I had to go all the way and grab their pussies. I'm sure by now you've all seen how I yank people's hands when I shake them. Well, it's because I can't grab pussies anymore so I have so much grabbing left in me it needs to be released somehow.
For a long time I figured I'll just grab everything and sort it out later. Unfortunately, in my pursuit to grab everything, along the way I hurt some really good pussies. Look, some of my best friends are pussies. It was never my intention to hurt them, I just wanted to grab them. I'm starting to realize grabbing doesn't always lead to happy endings, which I've also grabbed.
I'm sorry for lying all the time and I'm sorry for not having a fully formed sense of self. I should have worked on that. No one tells you when you're young to develop your sense of self, and the next thing you know you're building skyscrapers, grabbing pussies, cheating people, and covering your bald head with feathery yellow side scalp hair. Age old story. I think it was Lao Tsu who said:
"The side scalp hair seems like a good idea at first but it will never look real."
I'm sorry for colluding with the Russians. That was me grabbing again. I should have just simply said, "I'm going to work with the Russians to tamper with our election."
And let me take this opportunity to say I'm sorry I'm not going to be good in the future either. I have a lot of terrible ideas I'm looking forward to. They all involve greed, gross-looking white men, misogyny, latent homosexuality, penis envy, and a complete disregard for mankind. I'm sorry for that.
It feels good to get this off my chest.
Sincerely (is that really a word?),
Donald J. Trump