Kale Grows Out Of Man's Skin

Evanston, IL — John Gardner never thought his love of kale would turn him into the actual vegetable, but that’s exactly what happened.

Gardner has been consuming loads and loads of kale for years now, even before the leafy green became particularly trendy. He loves the taste, the nutrients and the way it complements most meals.

What he isn’t thrilled about is the fact that he has essentially become a human kale plant. Kale began growing out of his skin a year ago and is on its way to usurping his entire body.

“My hair is kale, my chest is covered in kale. It’s not a great look, but I save money at least,” said Gardner.

He’s making money too. Gardner is becoming a legend at the local Farmer’s Market, where people come to pluck kale right off of his body. “Kids like to pull the kale out of my head, it’s fun, and it’s a way for me to give back.”

Doctors have been unable to treat this never-before-seen condition. Antibiotics were fruitless, weeding them doesn’t get at the roots, and x-rays showed that any type of surgery would be impossible, as the roots have wound their way around Gardner’s organs like ivy.

Gardner doesn’t feel any discomfort though. He is able to maintain his psychology practice and he says his patients don’t mind. “I just talked someone out of suicide last week, so I guess I’m just a man made of kale from now on.”