Baton Rouge, LA — Psychic Louise Hacklemeyer has seen a lot of auras in her time, but none quite as sickly and gross as that of Harry Yeardley, a client who walked through her doors last week.
Yeardley came to the psychic seeking questions about his romantic life and Hacklemeyer was not surprised.
“With an aura as gross as Harry’s I’m sure he’s not doing great in the romantic community,” said Hacklemeyer. “It’s not that yellows and greens aren’t common colors for auras but they don’t usually conjure memories of vomit. After he left I puked.”
Yeardley says he’s aware of his sickly aura, but doesn’t know what to do about it. “How do you change an aura, y’know?” he told Egobaby.
“I’ve tried changing my diet, I exercise, I meditate," Yeardley said, "I try to be a good person, but every time I visit a psychic their face grows instantly pale and I can see a wave of nausea go through them, like the demon in that woman’s body in The Devil’s Advocate. I wish someone would tell me how to change it, I don’t want a sickly aura.”
One psychic suggested he cryogenically freeze himself for a year.
“She said I was rotting from the outside in and needed to be refrigerated," Yeardley told us, "I’m not crazy about losing a year of my life and consciousness though. The psychic told me I’d be crazy to keep a year of my life with such a disgusting aura. I said that was mean of her to say and she said, ‘You’re garbage.’ Is that a way to speak to someone?”
Yeardley is currently on Tinder but has never gotten a match. He’s not convinced it’s because of his putrid aura, but thinks he just hasn’t found the right one yet. In the meantime he’s on the psychic network’s “don’t return call” list.