More People Would Like Dolphins As Their Primary Care Physicians

San Diego, CA - While swimming with dolphins in Hawaii, Susan Wickermeir had a life-changing experience. During her swim, the dolphins honed in on her, circling her and nudging her chest. What she didn't yet know was that the dolphins were detecting a growth inside of her using their built-in sonar.

Dolphins have advanced sonar abilities that enable them to detect growths inside of our bodies, be they cancerous or a pregnancy. They are also one of the best defenders against sharks.

"The dolphins made me so happy," said Wickermeir. "I thought at first they were nudging my chest because they loved me. When I found out they were trying to tell me I had stage four lung cancer I was like, 'that's amazing.'"

Janeane Tedesco also got a grand slam of information from dolphins with whom she swam. "I was familiar with the dolphin sonar being able to detect illness or pregnancy. When I found out that I was pregnant with a sick baby I was like, 'awesome.'"

Both women returned home and were shocked to learn their health insurance did not have any dolphins listed as primary care physicians.

"I was told that because dolphins do not have a phone number or a medical degree they could not list them as primary care physicians," said Tedesco. "Just another example of profit-motivated big business. It's ridiculous and shameful."

"We need to start giving honorary medical degree to dolphins. It's about moving our health system forward," said Dr. John Blackstone, a proponent of making dolphins valid primary care physicians. "In my practice, I employ three dolphins and patients love them. We're getting more and more requests for dolphin doctors."

"We have no way of following up with a dolphin and they can't fill out forms is one of the main blocks to their being accepted as a valid primary care physician," said the president of one major health insurance provider. "Another main block is they are fish mammals who live in the ocean and don't speak English."

Whether health insurance companies will start to allow dolphins into their plans is yet to be seen; dolphins aren't holding their blowholes either way. They continue to swim in the ocean, squeal, and jump in and out of the water.