Moon Fails To Deliver On People's Prayers

Outer Space, Universe - For years, astrologers have advised using lunar cycles to lay the groundwork for new plans and ideas, to plant seeds for the future, to rid your life of unwanted aspects, to attract that which we desire, or to lay low and recover.

Despite our actions here on earth, the moon has routinely turned a deaf ear to our pleas and desires. It is almost as if it has no interest whatsoever in making our human desires come true.

Planning to start a new business during a "new moon?" Go right ahead, the moon won't give a rat's ass.

At the behest of every horoscope he read, Daniel Timmons, a man, decided to use the new moon to announce his plans for the next phase of his life.

"I wrote down my goals, what I wanted to come to fruition in the next year," said Timmons. "A year later, I've yet to see any progress on those goals. It's like the moon wasn't even listening to me. It's a good thing the moon's up there in space, otherwise I'd kick its ass."

Carly Rosenberg decided to use the waning moon phase to break up with her boyfriend and clean her house of all clutter.

After both boyfriend and said clutter were out of her life she realized she loved him and she couldn't find anything in her house anymore. Who is to blame? The moon, of course.

"The waning phase of the moon is supposed to be a time to release and reduce," said Rosenberg. "So why would the moon leave me feeling banished and empty? I did my part, it's time for the moon to step up and start making good on its promises."

Astrologer Francine Mountainside has also had it up to here with the moon for making her look bad with clients. "Why even go through phases if they're not going to mean anything for humans on earth? Just disappear if that's the way you feel about us!" Mountainside shouted at the night sky.