Friends of Vegan Wish He Would Choose Cancer Over Plant-Based Diet


Perth Amboy, NJ - Friends of vegan Yale Quarto have had it with his insistence that a plant-based diet is the only way to live if you want to avoid heart failure or a terminal disease like cancer.

He is allegedly always going on and on about how meat protein corrodes your arteries and is negatively affecting earth as well.

At this point, Quarto's friends would like to watch him die a slow, painful cancerous death, but they say they'll feed him his plants all the while, so long as he is definitely dying for good.

"I'll make a tofu lasagna myself if it means I get to watch him take his last breath," said Quarto's friend, Marnie. "I can't take it anymore - hearing about how my eating a hamburger is going to give me Alzheimer's. Is forgetting that I know him so bad?"

Quarto's parents have mixed feelings but ultimately would like to him see him get his cancerian comeuppance. "You never want to bury your child," said Quarto's mother, Penny, "but you also never want to hear that the delicious fried chicken you're about to eat is not only killing you, but also the planet, all life forms, and why I'll suffer through a hellish karmic rebirth in my next life. He's my son, but y'know, he can also go to hell."