How To Be A New Person When The Current 'You' Isn't Working Anymore


There's nothing worse than having to deal with the same you day after day, year after year.

Well, there's no reason why you have to stay in this rut, as the 'you' you've always been, with your endless problems, emotional scars, and inability to cope with life's hurtles. You can be a new person the minute you make up your mind to be one.

So wake up! Start making the promise to yourself that you'll stop being you and start being the NEW YOU, the one who says, "ENOUGH ALREADY! I CAN'T EAT ANY MORE RICE CAKES!" Grab a real cookie and settle in because here are some proven techniques on how to be a new person:

1. Have Sex with a Gender You Normally Wouldn't and Keep Doing It Until You Don't Recognize Yourself Anymore. You've been having sex the same way all your life and where has that gotten you? It's 2017, Trump is president, and it's time to try having sex with a different gender. Work through the shame and disgust to get to that good place where the new you resides.

2. Jurnawa Meekatow Awanoy Roikaburnqwak. Understand that? That's the you who lives in the mountains and no longer relates to the outside world. You've developed your own language, you wear the skin of wild animals and you have no problem biting into the head of a pig for survival. You trust no one and love to you is when the night descends and you see with your ears.

3. Start Eating Goji Berries. There's nothing that tells the world, "I'm different now" than a bag of Goji berries sitting on your desk. "You seen what Ann's eating lately?" coworkers will ask each other. If you like them stop eating them. That means you're already the you you're changing into.

4. Shave Your Entire Body, Sit in the Dark, and Wait for an Answer. When that answer will come is anyone's guess, but you have to sit there until it does. You'll know it when you find it. You also might not know it, but you'll know what it's like to be naked and hairless, waiting for answers. And that's something, right?