How To Remember To Breathe

You're probably not breathing right now and you probably haven't been for days. You're probably dead, or will be soon.

And when you take your last breath you'll think, "Why didn't I start breathing years ago when I had the chance?"

Stop thinking you know everything. You wouldn't know how to remember to breathe if a donkey came along and kicked your dick off. The good news is it's not that hard to remember to breathe.

We've outlined three easy-to-follow steps so you can stay alive and stay connected to your breath, so you can stay beautiful and calm like Gwyneth Paltrow.

1. Take the plastic bag off your head. You're a huge INXS fan and you're trying to erotically asphyxiate yourself like the rock stars do, but you're not a rock star, and they didn't do it with a cheap plastic bag. You're acting like a child. Start breathing and be beautiful.

2. Stare at fish. When you're first remembering to breathe you're going to need a point of reference so breathe like the fish do. Eventually you will develop your own style of breathing, but at first you'll need to be a fish. It's how we all started after all, unless you don't believe in evolution, in which case you should remember to breathe like Jesus did.

3. Watch videos of live births. It's not appetizing but you'll see the baby gasp for its first breath. When that happens you will remember to breathe. We recommend keeping a live birth video on your phone, always on hand, so you can pull it up any time you forget to breathe. If you have the video of your own live birth even better! Then you can see yourself taking your very first breath, which is the best reminder to get you to remember to breathe and to call your mother.