Astrologer, Francine Mountainside


"If you don't know where Saturn was when you were

born then I don't know why you bother living."

What do you say to those who think astrology is nonsense?

They obviously have a lot of Mars in their chart.

Does astrology take away our free will?

No, it merely suggests appropriate times to go to the doctor, to sign a contract, to buy electronics, to sign a contract with an electronic doctor.

An 'electronic doctor'?

A robot who can check your prostate or vagina for problems.

What would you recommend for anyone new to astrology?

Find out where Saturn was when you were born.

What if you never find out where Saturn was when you were born?

If you don't know where Saturn was when you were born then I don't know why you bother living.

In China the astrology goes by animals. Why don't we do that?

In China they spit a lot on the street and I've seen a lot of chefs with long cigarette ashes.

So they have their ways and we have ours is what you're saying?

I'm ruled by Neptune so I can't really answer that.

One of our editors was once playing tennis in a park that was known to be a homosexual hangout after hours, but this was during the day and when he went to the bathroom there was a man hanging out by the urinals who wanted to give him a blow job. How do you reconcile that astrologically?

Saturn was most likely in his house of sleazy gay sex. It always comes back to Saturn.