Massage School For Men

Not to be confused with Massage School for Women, which is an entirely different school, Massage School for Men is a place where men learn how to appropriately touch a woman.

You will learn all of the various known massage techniques (shiatsu, Swedish, deep tissue, and the others that we can't think of at the moment) but more importantly you will learn how a woman wants - and needs - to be touched.

Too many men are walking around with sexist hands. Our school is designed to de-misogynize a man's hand muscles and reprogram them with the knowledge of a woman's temperament.

At Massage School for Men you not only become a licensed masseur you also get rape-free hands. There will virtually be no way to manhandle anything, never mind a woman, after graduating.​

Our school is not only for those who wish to be professional masseurs, but rather any man who would like to learn how to touch a woman appropriately. Doctors, lawyers, politicians, store clerks, and oddly a lot of morticians, have all come to the school to learn proper woman-touching techniques.​

We know that for a man to fully understand what it feels like to be inappropriately massaged by a man they must be manhandled themselves, which is why every freshman goes through the mandatory "Big Brother" program, where they are paired with a much larger man than themselves.

For the entire first year freshman are required to hold their big brother's hand whenever walking in public and receive at least two back massages a week. You will really get a sense of what it feels like when a man touches or grabs you with too much force.

We also work with the justice system to transform criminals into sensitive masseurs. We believe that murder starts with the hands so our criminal reformation program is designed to take out the murder from the hands.

Those that do become professional masseurs have an increased likelihood of landing a spa job at one of the upper level Marriotts.

Price: $10,000! Moisturizer provided.