Um, The Decaying Buddha Statue In Our Patio Is A Symbol Of Impermanence, Not Our Relationship, OK?

We see those raised eyebrows of yours, Sharon, when you took a look at the decaying Buddha statue in our back patio.

We know what you're getting at, Todd, when you asked us if we were planning on doing any redesign with the back patio, while your eyes were transfixed on the broken Buddha statue.

We know what you're all thinking and you can just stop! Emily and I are doing fine. Our decaying Buddha statue is not a physical manifestation of our relationship.

And since when did you all get so spiritual anyway? When we bought the statue all we heard was, "Oh are you enlightened now?" and "Who's your guru?" and "Do we have to take our shoes off when we're outside now?"

But then somewhere along the way you all became spiritual therapists? And now you've concluded that Emily and I must be having relationship problems if our Buddha statue is in ruins? Puh-lease. That's the last thing our poor neglected Buddha statue reflects.

If anything, it's just a sign that we aren't good patio people, we don't nurture plants and we rarely sit out there, mostly because Emily doesn't know how to relax.

Wait a second - this is Emily talking now - I don't sit out there because it's buggy, not because I can't relax. And John, maybe if you weren't so judgmental it wouldn't be so hard to relax around you. Maybe I relax differently.

I mean, I guess. But we - this is John now - bought those patio chairs, we spent all that time figuring out which ones were best and for what reason? We don't even sit out there. Well, you don't - this is Emily. (Can you start a new paragraph please? Jesus Christ - this is John).

Sorry - this is Emily again - well, you don't sit out there either!

Yeah, because it IS buggy! (This is John). Then why am I (This is Emily) being accused of not being able to relax if you think it's buggy?! Why can't I also think it's buggy and that be the reason I don't sit out there?!

You can, I don't care, do we really have to fight about this? (This is John).

You started it by saying I can't relax (This is Emily). And anyway, you're the Buddhist here. If anyone's at fault for the decaying statue it's you, because you don't keep your commitments.

You're unbelievable and that's below the belt (this is John). Look, either way, the point is the statue has nothing to do with our relationship. It's just a statue. So everyone can get over it and deal with themselves for a change. We're doing just fine. Or were before you made a big thing about our statue!

We (this is John and Emily's friends) didn't even say anything! You guys accused US of making that metaphor but we never said anything. Why are we getting blamed?

We know what you think of us (this is John and Emily). You've always had a problem with our relationship. Because Emily can't relax (this is John) - and John is so judgmental (this is Emily). And you guys (this is your friends) blame us for everything.

That's ridiculous! (this is the decaying Buddha statue).