5 Things To Put On Your Face, RIGHT NOW


If you’re like me, you probably spend countless hours screening the internet looking for:

  • The cure for acne

  • How to get wet dolphin-like skin

  • Radioactive material-repelling products (underfunded toxic waste management sites, am I right?!)

  • And the best anti-micro degenerative fluoride lash filler

There are so many different skin care products on the internet it can be hard to decide which one is going to work best for your skin tone, skin goals and geopolitical climate.

Here is a list of things that you can put on your face RIGHT NOW to become instagoal ready.

1. WATER FROM A RETENTION POND


These bad boys are filled with nutrient rich algae and secretions from amphibious beings.

Expensive snail mucin? No thanks.

I’ve got frog mucus! Keep your skin hydrated with this technique!


2. CRUDE OIL

This is for my ladies in Texas! Use that God Fuel to fuel your skin care routine.

Move over, micellar water! Crude oil is the go-to to remove all long-term goals of fuel reform!

Slap this oil-based petrol to feel your skin’s surface completely change into a price point commodity.

3. CACTUS


Move over, Aloe Vera! There’s a new caryophyllales in the desert of dry skin relief!

After spending a night making small sacrificial fires to cleanse your aura, your skin is looking like you’ve let others push your boundaries due to your own codependent behavior. *ATTACKED*

Unlike microneedling, rolling a cactus on your face is the most eco savage way to boost collagen production!

Say adios to scars of emotional damage and say como estás to plumped skin by mild allergic reaction!

4. ELMER'S GLUE


I’m sure you’ve heard about the Elmer’s Glue and Charcoal face mask but did you know that Elmer’s glue alone inflicts the same amount of pain?

Get rid of your first protective layer of skin, hair and anything that would remotely give you confidence that this works!

This stuff is IDEAL for the person who wants to do the Glue and Charcoal face mask but doesn’t want to appropriate African-American stereotypes and racist American culture by participating in BlackFace™.

5. THE BLOOD OF A CHILD


There’s a new trend in Silicon Valley where a clinic can inject you with the blood of the youth to revitalize you internally and externally. LOVE IT.

But it comes with a steep price tag: $8,000. I am always looking for a cheap alternative to the trends in Hollywood to keep me looking as childlike as possible so I appear attractive.

Since I don’t have any children of my own, I was left to ponder, "how could I acquire the blood of a child?" The answer was simple: the local daycare.

I slipped the worker ten dollars (which is more than their hourly wage) so I could be readily available when a child “falls” and “gets hurt."

I struck on the bleeding child like a cobra. I raised it’s skinned knees and elbows to my face as I let the youthful drops of blood detoxify my skin. By the end of the day, my skin resembled the texture of the 8-year-old whose parents accept their gender identity.


Written by Alli Coleman.