Mad Scientits

Dear Cosmic Celeste,

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. He thinks of himself as a “sex toy designer” and he always tries his new inventions out on me in the bedroom. However, his toys are always terrible! They’re either super painful or uncomfortable.

Like recently, he made a toy called “Vi-bra-tor” which is basically a cheap bra from Walmart that vibrates your boobs. He thought it would help stimulate women’s nipples, when in reality it feels like my breasts have fallen asleep and I have titty pins and needles.

I want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to kill his inspiration. What do I do? Help!


Guinea Pig Peggy

Peek-a-Boo, Guinea Pig Peggy!

I can see how this would be a problem. But don’t fret. I’ve got some killer advice for you because this has happened to me as well! (Shocker, right?)

My ex-boyfriend, Skull Mountain, was a huge sex toy enthusiast. He would spend hours in his dungeon wearing a black patent leather doctor’s coat, tinkering with flasks and Bunsen burners.

Now, I’ll say that I liked some more than others. For example, the buttplug that gently leaked Habanero Hot Sauce was not a fan favorite. And his “Pinhead” dildo that was inspired by Hellraiser wasn’t the best texture for my vag. And maybe not the “Juicer 500” which...sorry I won’t get into that. PTSD.

But I digress. I really enjoyed my time with Skull Mountain. While it took some trial and error for him to hone his craft, he eventually made an ass slapping machine with a mechanical hand. If I had given up on Skull Mountain, I would never know what it feels like to have my ass slapped arhythmically by a hard plastic hand. And now that I know that feeling, I know what I don't want. See what I'm saying???

As Thomas Edison once said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Will your love see your husband through 10,000 failed attempts at greatness?

Maybe you can go to a high school and grab a sex-ed textbook and gift it to him anonymously? And maybe don't go when school is in session either. I learned the hard way that schools aren't thrilled when adults without kids going to the school show up asking for sex-ed books.

Sounds like he might need a good ol’ lecture about putting the condom on a banana!

Anyway, I hope this helped!!

Keep inventing,

Cosmic Celeste