Slow Down The Aging Process By Freezing Yourself




As a sixty-five year old woman, I’m always looking for new, holistic, and cheap ways to smooth some wrinkles or decelerate upper lip hair growth. Little did I know the answer was right in front of me!


I work at McDonald’s. I know at my age you’d think I’d be working somewhere a little nicer, like Wendy’s or Jack in the Box, but nope. I’m spending my golden years with the golden arches.


McDonald’s has given me my fair share of life lessons, like:


  • Don’t touch the raw meat

  • Don’t talk to the customers

  • Don’t let the customers touch the raw meat


But one lesson I always forget is: Don’t let the freezer door close behind you.


We have one of those big old walk-in freezers. It’s exactly like the one in the movie Goonies, where they found that dead body. Our freezer doesn't have an emergency release on the inside of the door and I keep locking myself in there for days, surviving on frozen hamburger buns.


The first time it happened, I started writing my will in ketchup packets. My only comfort was knowing I was going to scare the lights out of my coworkers when they found me, like that dead guy in Goonies!


But I didn’t die! Instead, when I finally got out because my coworkers wanted to have sex in there - and didn't let me out until they finished - I looked 5 years younger. Nobody recognized me! Granted, 90% of my body had become frostbitten. But it was also all the de-aging that took place!


I've lost both pinkies and the ability to fully close my eyes from the frostbite, but I stand by the process. I call it 'de-age with minimum wage.' I always found pinkies to be pretentious anyways.


Scientists keep wanting to examine my body, trying to figure me out. A Dr. Finklestein keeps calling me, asking what McDonalds keeps in the freezer and can he be there the next time I go in. It's not like I'm locking myself in there on purpose!


But he said he's gonna work with McDonald’s and write a research paper. Fine by me. I've even heard that the local Wendy’s and Burger King have started locking their senior employees in freezers as well. Some died, but those that didn't look fantastic.


Written by Megan Goetz.