Suck Suck Goose

Dear Cosmic Celeste,

I am a poly man and recently I’ve been participating in a variety of poly orgies. But no matter where I go, I’ve been relegated to sucking ALL the dicks! I mean, I don’t mind sucking a dick or two, but 12 in one day??? My jaw is killing me! Every time I hint at not wanting to be the only dick sucker, the other members don’t seem to catch on. What do I do? Is this what my sex life has become? Help!


Sad Swallower

Good Morrow, Sad Swallower!

Congratulations on your bravery for sharing your story! I guess you can say your situation really sucks.

From one peen sucker to the next, I totally understand your situation. One or two joysticks have their perks, but when it hits the double digits, trouble is a-”head” for your mouth and jaw. No stranger to orgies myself, I have a lot of experience with this dilemma.

First, this isn't an insult. You’re the orgy MVP. Everyone wants a little dip in your magical mouth. This is super flattering!

I remember my first floppy drive fest, and let’s just say, it was a mouthful. I was voted "most enchanting mouth," and eventually became known as the Wang Wiccan in the orgy scene.

I understand your concern about the state of your sex life, but I have some techniques to spice up your banana buffet. The first technique is called Glub Glub Under the Tub, Take a mouthful of water while you have the weiner in your mouth, and gurgle with all your might -- similar to a dentist appointment.

The next technique has a Spanish flavor (I travel a lot) - it’s called the Penis Paella. Take your man in your mouth, add some tabasco sauce, and roll your tongue like the “R” in the Spanish alphabet. This creates a vibrating, spicy sensation that will get him screaming “Aye dios mio!" or something similar in Spanish.

Last but not least is the The Sex Lampray. Form a vacuum seal over the peen and rotate your teeth like a garbage disposal; then begin the up and down motion of a normal blow job. This one is more for beginners.

Now, if this is still a problem for you and your sex life, you could always introduce a new member to the orgy who specializes in the trouser friendly mouth hugs. Get some college kids (I recommend frat boys), call it an internship, and say you’ll give them school credit. Works for me every time!

I hope this helps!

Keep sucking,

Cosmic Celeste